Once upon a time, I wasn't always the best friend. I gossiped, shared secrets I was supposed to keep with people who shouldn't have heard them, haggled over bills instead of being generous, flaked on plans, had a habit of drinking a little too much and crying in public, and was generally unpleasant. I was not so horrible that I didn’t have any friends, but I didn’t make it particularly easy or fun to spend time with me.
I’ve grown since then. I’m not a perfect friend — who is? — but being a good is something I take more seriously than I used to. The older I get, the more I value my friendships, and the more I believe that our relationships with friends are just as vital as romantic relationships.
The Internet is saturated with posts about how to make friends as an adult and how to be part of a village. I love to read them! But when I think about what’s taught me the most about being a good friend, it’s because people have been good friends to me. I’ve had the pleasure of learning from some of the best — my own friends, who love me well and show me all the time what it means to be a good friend. Here’s what I’ve learned:
Be open to letting friendship find you.
Think about the people you interact with regularly at the gym, at work, or in other spaces — people you think fondly of and have occasionally wished you knew better. Why not make that happen? Ask someone to have coffee or dinner. Send them a text or an Instagram message. Instead of just thinking, “Hey, I like them!” take action. The worst that happens is that someone doesn’t say yes, and you get to keep enjoying them wherever you see them.
Several of my friendships have come about because people have said, “Hey, we should be friends!” and then…it’s happened. I try to do the same, and most of the time, it’s brought really good people into my life.
Remember things and pay attention.
I do a decent job of remembering birthdays, and (no brag, but) I have an excellent memory for names and details. However, I am old and busy, and I don't remember things as well as I'd like. A few years ago, I started putting things on my calendar when friends would mention them: appointments, tests, interviews, etc. That way, I can check in on the day of, or at least close to it. Who doesn’t feel cared for when someone remembers that first therapy session they were feeling anxious about?
For a long time, I thought that being thoughtful was something you were naturally good (or bad) at. I’m not a very good gift giver by nature, but my friend Elizabeth, who is the very best at it, often says that being good at gift giving is just paying attention. And she’s right. Being good at giving gifts or being a friend is frequently about noticing.
My long-time internet friend, Ashley, made a TikTok about keeping notes on her friends. She sent them the template and had them fill it out. While I’m not quite that organized or on top of things, I do try to pay attention to my friends. I note what they order when we have coffee or what’s in their fridge. If they mention loving something when we’re out or I see something that reminds me of them, I snag it. I keep potential gift ideas, things I want to do when we hang out (especially when long-distance friends visit), and other things I want to remember.
Paying attention, remembering things, and noticing what your people like goes a long way in making them feel special and loved. I’m always so touched when people do it for me. A few years ago, I told my friend Dakotah that I was spending tons of money on granola bars for my students. The next time I showed up to take her spin class, there was a box waiting for me in my locker. The sweetest! My friend Kailey is the queen of the tiny gift: homemade bread, something that reminds her of me…it’s such a sweet thing.
Treat your friends like they’re a big deal.
My friends are the coolest people I know. They do great work! They’re incredible parents! They’re creative and interesting and smart and beautiful, and they’re always doing extraordinary things! I unabashedly love my friends, and I feel so lucky to know them.
Finding reasons to celebrate them is the easiest thing in the world, and yet, it can be just as easy to overlook opportunities to tell them that.
Be unapologetically loud about how fantastic you think they are. Tell your friends you’re proud of them for big and little things! Send them flowers! Write them a card and pop it in the mail! Go to their events! Hype them up! I know so few people who are good at celebrating themselves — do it for them!
Be a little extra.
Last year, when Amy’s mom was sick, I sent my friend Jenn a text saying I was having a hard day, and an hour later, a Sephora delivery with a bath soak was on my porch. I once sent my friend Jess a text ranting about a rough day in the classroom, and later that night, I had a porch full of Trader Joe’s snacks and a new plant.
I am a big fan of sending flowers and gifts on birthdays or when something bad happens, but sometimes, acknowledging the small things that happen every day can mean even more.
Some meaningful things that friends have done that I’ve unabashedly stolen and use as my own: Venmoing someone for coffee or a treat when they’re having a bad day at work or have cramps or when something good happens, sending Door Dash gift cards when things are busy or they’re under the weather, sending a Starbucks gift card to cover their coffee in the morning, leaving a note on their car or on their desk at work, offering to grab them things at the store when you’re going, bringing them a coffee or treat, surprising them by covering the bill at lunch, grabbing their favorite candy and writing a quick note, or baking something you know they’ll love. A friend of mine is famous for making just a few cookies and then freezing balls of cookie dough for friends so the treat lasts longer. Another is great at making freezer meals and adding a few quick items to drop a last-minute dinner on someone’s doorstep.
I’m not a big mantra person, but one thing I do believe in is what I call “never being the one.” What I mean by that is that I never want to be the one who lets a relationship go (unless it’s unhealthy — but I mean relationships that matter to me). Sometimes, that means going a little above and beyond and loving people a little louder. So many friends have done that for me when I’ve needed it, and it makes such a difference.
Invite people in and make them comfortable.
I am definitely the sort of person who likes to have a spotless house when having people over; however, I am also someone who doesn’t expect that of anyone else. I think there’s a lot of pressure sometimes to make gatherings a big deal that look Instagram-ready, but I think there’s something so lovely about sitting in someone’s slightly messy house, ordering DoorDash or eating cheese and crackers, and just hanging out. Hosting often makes me feel anxious, but I am always glad when I do it. Being in someone’s space unlocks a different level of closeness. And, I think that being the first to welcome people to your house makes it easier for them to do the same.
My friend Leslie basically let me live with her during a difficult time in my life (and during good times, too!) and she is the best at making people feel comfortable. She stocked my favorite snacks and always had the beverages I like in her fridge. I always had a blanket and a spot on the couch that became mine. I aspire to do the same for friends that are at my house: grabbing a few things I know they’ll love and stocking some easy snacks that they’ll like. While everything in my house is covered in dog hair, I do try to make sure we have at least one blanket that isn’t basically made of fur. My Human Care Closet is legendary because I have literally everything one could need in there: extra toothbrushes, every kind of medication, tons of toilet paper…it goes such a long way in making sure that people are comfortable no matter what happens.
Inviting people in isn’t limited to bringing them into your physical space. It also means letting them in on what’s going on in your life. Learning to share what’s happening and asking for help is so worth it. I’ve spent most of my life pretending that I don’t have needs for fear of bothering people; however, I am always so honored when my friends ask me for help or support. A friend recently offered me a gentle reframe — when you never ask for support or share the hard things, you’re unintentionally cutting yourself off from having a deeper relationship with the people you love. Most people love to help, support, and offer care to those they love. LET THEM.
Be the one who reaches out.
One of the narratives I hate most in today’s Discourse is the idea that we should never appear to be trying too hard at anything, especially with other people. The angst around double texting, saying too much, or always being the one to extend an invitation can make nearly anyone feel self-conscious.
I think reciprocity matters in all relationships, and no one likes to feel like they’re making all the effort. There’s also a time when over-texting or over-inviting gets creepy. But more often, friends get busy or lose track of plans or have a bad day or forget to reply.
When I’m struggling or my brain is being unkind, I find it easy to take things personally or assume my friends hate me or that I’ve done something horrible that’s caused them to start hating me. I work really hard at talking myself out of those thoughts, AND I’m oddly comforted by how many of my friends have confessed to having the same kinds of thoughts.
I believe in respecting boundaries, and I can take a hint, but the older I get, the less I want to live in my head and worry about whether or not I’m “doing too much.” I am ALWAYS delighted to hear from my close friends, and I try to remind myself that they’re probably happy to hear from me, too. Send the text or the voice memo. Be persistent in making plans work, even if it means scheduling weeks in advance. Call your friends on the phone! If you see something that reminds you of them, tell them.
Tell your friends you love them, and tell them why.
I grew up in a family that said they loved each other; however, I reserved those words for my family members or romantic partners for much of my life. I’ve been lucky to have friends who are so good at saying “I love you” and also being specific about why. It’s life-changing to have people love you and remind you of your goodness. I aim to be the sort of person who does that for others, too.
What do you think makes a good friend? What have you learned over the years? I am always into learning about being a good friend.
Very lucky to have you as a friend! 🫶🏻
I can attest to your magnificent friendship skills! I also had to work to learn how to be a good friend and have benefited from incredible friends showing me the way.