Self-Compassion for Mere Mortals

You can be nice to yourself without being cheesy, I promise

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

As someone who has been in therapy for a long time and generally loves therapy, I am frequently horrified by therapy talk. The idea of saying things like “I’m worthy of love” or “I’m capable of hard things” to myself in the mirror makes me feel physically ill. I have never once put a Post-It on my mirror telling myself that I’m beautiful.

For years, I thought I had to become the sort of person who journaled affirmations and did mirror work if I was ever going to develop self-compassion. I decided long ago that I would rather beat myself up every day for the rest of my life than whisper to myself about how the Universe is conspiring in my favor.

This is not to shade people who find these things beneficial! I know that for some, they work, and they’re popular and well-regarded for a reason. I personally cannot take myself seriously, but if that’s your jam, I love that for you!

But when I read things about self-compassion, I see soft camera angles and women sitting in meadows with their eyes closed and their hands over their hearts. Meanwhile, I spend most of my days sweating in a gym or sitting in a very small office with middle schoolers and their parents. There isn’t much dappled light in my day-to-day.

And yet, despite all this, I can confidently say I’ve become infinitely kinder to myself in recent years. I have not transformed into a gentle woman who writes affirmations in a journal and wears clothing that says “Good Vibes Only,” but I have worked on building self-compassion every single day of my life, in a way that works for me.

Mindfulness doesn’t have to sound like a yoga app

The first step in self-compassion is noticing that you’re feeling bad or being mean to yourself. A lot of self-compassion advice tells you to pause and gently ask yourself what you need. Sometimes that works for me. Sometimes my brain immediately turns it into another thing I’m failing at.

But if I say something like, “Girl, you’re crazy!” or “Amy, what the hell are you doing?” it feels lighter. It creates just enough separation between me and the thought that I stop spiraling. Sometimes I even say it out loud.

Just because I’m not asking myself what I need in a calm therapist voice doesn’t mean I’m not giving myself what I need. It just means I get there in a lighthearted way.

Remember that your brain is basically a raccoon

I try to approach my own brain the way I would approach a skittish rescue animal—no sudden movements.

I treat myself like a toddler a lot of the time. I live by a routine: sleeping, exercising, trying to eat at the same-ish time most days (my job makes that challenging), enrichment time in and outside of my enclosure. This is more than half the battle, in my opinion. It’s much easier to be kind when your nervous system knows what to expect.

When I catch myself being hard on myself, I run through a quick checklist: Have I eaten? Am I hydrated? Am I uncomfortable? Does my head hurt? Is there something physical going on here? If possible, I meet the need immediately: water, a snack, Advil, changing clothes, or stepping outside for a minute. If I’m at work, I’ll close my door and breathe for a few minutes. It’s basically giving my grouchy brain some iPad time.

Then, after I’ve handled the immediate crisis, I try to name what’s actually happening.

“I’m grumpy because I haven’t sat down all day.”

“I’m starving, and now everything feels personal.”

“Of course I’m upset. That thing they said was uncool.”

Half the time, naming it takes away half its power.

Say things that make you feel more human

One of the more comforting parts of self-compassion is realizing you are not the first person to feel devastated, embarrassed, lonely, rejected, jealous, insecure, or overwhelmed. Human suffering is, unfortunately, a group project.

Because I am a deeply feeling person (some might call me an emp*th, and for that I sincerely apologize), I can easily spiral into guilt for having feelings at all when other people have “real problems.”

When I catch myself doing this, I remind myself that I am not competing in the Trauma Olympics. I’m allowed to have feelings even if someone else has it worse.

And when all else fails, I will dramatically yell, “WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN TO MEEEEE?” in my best Bravo Housewife voice until I start laughing. Which, honestly, works more often than you’d think.

Check yourself — and your sources

Nothing sends me spiraling into self-hatred faster than perceived negative feedback from another person. A weird tone. A rude comment. Genuine criticism. A delayed email response. Being a school administrator means existing in a constant stream of feedback and emotion from other people, and if I let it, it could absolutely swallow me whole.

When I catch the spiral starting, I try to pause before assigning myself responsibility for everyone’s emotions. I check in with myself:

What story am I telling myself right now?

What am I actually responsible for here?

Is this situation worth the amount of energy I’m giving it?

I pride myself on being reflective and accountable, but self-compassion sometimes means zooming out enough to recognize that not every problem is entirely mine. Sometimes I am simply the nearest available surface onto which another person is projecting their bad day, stress, insecurity, or frustration.

And then there’s the most important question of all: do I even care?

Do I respect this person?

Do I admire their character or judgment?

Do they actually know enough to evaluate the situation fairly?

If the answer is yes, I slow down and listen. If not, I try not to sacrifice my nervous system for the situation. I remind myself: “That is not my ministry.” Before I dedicate hours of emotional energy to feeling terrible, I try to make sure it’s actually earned.

Treat yourself the way you treat your real friends

I love my best friend deeply. I would do absolutely anything for her. But if she falls, says something awkward, or otherwise embarrasses herself? I will make fun of her lovingly, but relentlessly.

When I hear advice about treating yourself the way you’d treat a friend, it feels corny as hell. I do a lot of encouraging and cheering for my besties, but I will also roast them mercilessly. I like to take the same approach with my own missteps.

I have a dark sense of humor, and laughing at myself is often the fastest way out of shame. Not cruelly. Not in a way that reinforces self-hatred. Just enough to remind myself that I’m a person having a human moment, not a fundamentally defective creature.

Don’t make it worse

I love sad music. My favorite artists are Phoebe Bridgers and Noah Kahan. My go-to cold-weather playlist is called “It’s Winter and You’re A Little Sad.” I tend to absolutely marinate in feeling bad about myself. I like to cue up Holocene by Bon Iver and remind myself that I am not magnificent. Sometimes I’ll start making a list of all the ways I need to be better.

Being miserable feels good sometimes! I’m all in favor of a good cry. But if I can catch myself early enough to stem the tide, I’ve learned that I need to. I put on songs that make me feel good — Silk Chiffon by Muna is a strong option — or watch something funny and resist the urge to undertake an entirely new personality because I made a mistake.

Self-compassion is not about fixing yourself in a Pinterest-ready aesthetic way — it can be silly and concrete. Sometimes it’s just refusing to hand the aux cord to your worst instincts.

Sometimes that looks profound. Sometimes it looks like eating sour gummy candy in my car while telling myself to calm the hell down before I ruin my own day. Either way, I think it counts.

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A few quick favorite things to share:

• I found Geometry when purchasing THE CUTEST tea towels from a friend’s wedding registry — HI MOLLY! Geometry reached out to send me some things from their summer collection, including this cute striped beach towel and this chic palm tree beach towel, plus one of their beach blankets (they’re currently out of stock, but I’ll share pics soon!). I also can’t stop thinking about how cute this bookish tea towel would be paired with a new book (or a gift card to your favorite bookstore!) and something yummy to eat and drink.

• I have completely switched over to using Tata Harper products at night. Actives were really bothering my skin, and I see similar results using gentler products. I’m currently loving this new resurfacing mask, and I swear by their Regenerating Cleanser and Bio-Barrier Serum. My skin feels amazing and I’m no longer getting red and itchy! A win-win.

• I will never shut up about my Helix Sunset Elite mattress. YOU GUYS. I have never spent a lot of money on a mattress or put a great deal of thought into what I get. I’ve been missing out. This mattress keeps me cool! It is SO SOFT and my body feels good when I wake up in the morning. Helix is also doing a 25% off sale for Memorial Day. Treat yourself.

• Fishwife was kind enough to send me a starter pack of their tinned fish to try. There’s an albacore tuna with soy ginger in that box that I’m planning to put on some rice and enjoy after the gym tomorrow. Their product packaging is maybe the cutest I’ve ever seen!

• I wore my trusty Anthropologie Rainbow Stone necklace this week, and I get a zillion compliments every time. Trust me. You want one (or several). I’m also a big fan of this one from Bauble Bar.

• I have to remind myself that I do not need another tote bag every time I see this adorable customizable striped one. But dang if a cute AME tote in bright stripes doesn’t tempt me every time.